A hope that should be gone.

I don't understand why my heart started to beat like crazy. How i got this anticipated feeling when I thought it was him. Its a feeling that should be gone by now. Its been a year yet for some reason I still wait, I still anticipate even though I know the outcome. I still hope we'll meet again even though we won't. I still wish he'd come back even though I don't need him anymore. Hes suppose to be a thing of the past yet he dwells in my present. I want this hope to disappear even if it means hurting, I'm willing to take the pain and regret. As long as hes not in my heart and hes not in my mind I'll sacrifice myself just to stop the hope that should be gone.

Why Dont I Do It?

I am again thinking about it. My thought is why do i see life the way i see it? Why am i think "what would life be like if i wasn't in it?" I try to think of an answer and only one comes to mind....nothing. If i wasn't in it nothing would be any different from what it is now. So why am i still in it? Why not pull the final trigger? or step off the chair? why not just slice it through or swallow them down? The question makes me wonder what keeps me from making the final decision. It also makes me wonder what would happen to me if i did make that decision. What lies behind the world of death or life? I wish i could know that answer. :(

Am I Normal or Not?

Ive been thinking about how my mind is always imaginating things. Ever since i was young I've always had a really creative and overactive imagination. Now I'm starting to wonder if its normal to always have a fantasy going on in your head while your living reality. I admit that whenever I feel that im sad, mad, or just over emotional or even bored I try to escape to my fantasy world that I constantly have, but I've seen that not alot of people think living in a fantasy in your head is normal most even think you'd be mental. Im 15 now and wondering if im showing signs of mental illness or just a normal over active imagination that i havent grown out of yet.